What If “God” Was a Lactose Intolerant Vegetarian Allergic to Donkey Dander?


If we were able to suspend belief, wipe the slate clean, and ponder our world as if today was day one; chances are “God” would be a lactose intolerant vegetarian allergic to donkey dander. I shudder to think of the litany of psychological disorders the man could have been diagnosed with – grandiose delusions, intermittent explosive disorder, narcissistic personality disorder – a psychologists dream, requiring intensive therapy and medication. Restless leg syndrome, halitosis, erectile dysfunction , acne, an unsightly over-bite; all treatable and available for nothing more than the cost of vanity. Ponder how different the world might be if “God” was burdened with marketing and perception, just like all of us.

Of course “God” didn’t worry about such things, nor were any of them relevant to his “time”. Vanity was considered a sin, you ate what you had, and sneezed all over your donkey if it got you to your destination. Religions were born of a time and place, based on that time and place, and relevant within the context of that time and place.

While possible that “God” could have conjured up a hairless donkey to combat his itchy eyes, it’s doubtful psycho analysis was available – likewise botox injections, tofu turkey, and soy milk. I ask all fundamentalists to ponder for a moment how ludicrous it is to apply ancient context to modern times. The world is no longer flat, men of science are not burned at the stake, homosexuals don’t burn in hell, and not only does the Catholic church tweet – they concede the possibility of extraterrestrial life.

One last serious question – does the Catholic church provide rice crackers for the faithful with an aversion to the glutenous body of Christ? Referring to the “host” of Christ in the sacrament.