What If “God” Was a Lactose Intolerant Vegetarian Allergic to Donkey Dander?

If we were able to suspend belief, wipe the slate clean, and ponder our world as if today was day one; chances are “God” would be a lactose intolerant vegetarian allergic to donkey dander. I shudder to think of the litany of psychological disorders the man could have been diagnosed with – grandiose delusions, intermittent explosive disorder, narcissistic personality disorder – a psychologists dream, requiring intensive therapy and medication. Restless leg syndrome, halitosis, erectile dysfunction , acne, an unsightly over-bite; all treatable and available for nothing more than the cost of vanity. Ponder how different the world might be if “God” was burdened with marketing and perception, just like all of us.

Of course “God” didn’t worry about such things, nor were any of them relevant to his “time”. Vanity was considered a sin, you ate what you had, and sneezed all over your donkey if it got you to your destination. Religions were born of a time and place, based on that time and place, and relevant within the context of that time and place.

While possible that “God” could have conjured up a hairless donkey to combat his itchy eyes, it’s doubtful psycho analysis was available – likewise botox injections, tofu turkey, and soy milk. I ask all fundamentalists to ponder for a moment how ludicrous it is to apply ancient context to modern times. The world is no longer flat, men of science are not burned at the stake, homosexuals don’t burn in hell, and not only does the Catholic church tweet – they concede the possibility of extraterrestrial life.

One last serious question – does the Catholic church provide rice crackers for the faithful with an aversion to the glutenous body of Christ? Referring to the “host” of Christ in the sacrament.

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5 thoughts on “What If “God” Was a Lactose Intolerant Vegetarian Allergic to Donkey Dander?

  1. How about the culture of drinking alcohol that is celebrated in church and wine happily served to children under the label “blood of Christ” (which is a crazy thought? When you look at picture of “the last supper” where this custom was decreed, it does a bit look like a highly alcoholic lunch just before the apostles burst out it sailor songs. In fact, Jesus is doing a solo in that picture. I will hand it to muslims that they took alcohol out of the equation!

  2. Perhaps if we weren’t so microbe obsessed and weren’t killing ourselves with man made products that kill us our cripple our immune systems we’d be healthier so that none of those things would bother us at all.

    And don’t even get me started on the things we do to be “like” other people, or imitate celebrities, or live the same lives…. we create prisons of our own manufacture in which to die miserable lives that aren’t our own but are copies of someone else’s….

    Just wonderin’……

    Cheers,
    Peter
    A retired photographer looks at life
    Peter Pazucha dot Com
    Life Unscripted on WordPress

  3. I always liked Dawkins description is this Middle Eastern god:

    “The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.”

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