Nothing Worse Than a Sloppy Drunk


Tired, grumpy, and ready to bite off the head of anything that moves, exhaustion has led me to pondering drunks. Most days I shrug off the inevitable “sloppy drunk” as little more than an occupational hazard; predictable, definitely categorized by species and sub species; dealt with accordingly. Years in the hospitality industry has honed my drunk skills,  becoming second nature. Very little surprises me, only once did my jaw hit the floor and who could fault me; I instructed a bartender at a beer stand not to serve an obviously intoxicated man. He looked me straight in the eyes and snarled “I thought they gassed all the Jews”. Despite my mind explosion I was able to fumble with my radio long enough to call security, it was their pleasure to show him the door. Oh, did I mention he had his 5 or 6 year old son with him, now crying hysterically because parent of the year was tossed out before the monster truck show even started. Holy crap.

In no particular order I’ve come up with a list of “sloppy drunk” peeves and rules.

1.  I have no obligation whatsoever to announce “last call to the bar”, at my discretion I can pull any bar I see fit, or refuse service. Save your whining, threats, and bribes; my decision is not negotiable, all you’re doing is reinforcing my assessment and making yourself look foolish.

2.  When you reach the point of feeling “awesome and empowered”, I assure you, your fan club has no members other than yourself.

3. Keep your hands off the servers; they don’t find you awesome, have you pegged and are joking or being polite to wiggle away as quickly as possible. They have work to do.

4. Ladies; once you start crying, mouthing off, or telling the world you love them – go home, you are sloppy drunk. This rule applies to setting your hair on fire while lighting the wrong end of your cigarette and vomiting on your shoes.

5. Why is it people always seem to have eaten spaghetti for dinner before getting sloppy and throwing up in public?

6. You can’t down a flaming Sambucca while it still flames!

7. Would it kill you to tip the bartender at a “host” bar? Your gracious host has seen to it that no money changes hands, but the bartender still has rent to pay. While on the subject of host bars; your drinks are free, if the client paying the bill stipulates no “doubles” be served, you are simply a sloppy, ungrateful drunk when making a stink over it.

8. Kegs of beer aside, liquor is measured, metered, and reconciled; bartenders have some explaining to do if they can’t back up 5 glasses of wine from each bottle or ounces poured of hard liquor. Kegs of beer are cut some slack due to clearing the lines , spillage and foam. Stop begging for a heavy hand or mug of wine – a sloppy drunk is not worth their job.

9. Last because I’m getting tired – ladies, if you can manage to stay upright on 4 inch heels while making a sloppy drunken fool of yourself; with a little effort you should be capable of keeping your cell phone from falling in the toilet and knowing where you put your purse.

If you have to ask, “was I that drunk last night?”, don’t remember how you got home, puzzle over mysterious scrapes and bruises – rest assured you were a sloppy drunk. Know with certainty you pissed people off. Ponder for a moment what it must be like on the receiving end, putting up with sloppy nonsense night after night.