Crazy Train Rolls Into Work Town


Every so often crazy train rolls into work town. Usually we hear it coming, sometimes signals fail. Crazy train doesn’t discriminate, we never know who’ll climb aboard.

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Yesterday crazy train rolled into an all day professional conference for doctors. Repeat client, nothing too fussy, routine conference defined by breakfast, morning break, lunch and afternoon break. Despite leaving for work at 4:15 am, I looked forward to seeing this client again. Remarkably, special dietary requests were few, only one in fact, a Dr. B who identified as Celiac. I remembered Dr. B from the last conference – requested gluten free meals, rather than eat our food, provided her own meals to re-heat. No problem Dr. B, I’ll warm up your gluten free pizza.

This morning Dr. B arrived with Tupperware boxed lunch and polite request to reheat when appropriate. A few minutes later one of my servers presented a zip-loc sandwich bag of what looked like oatmeal. Server said “I was asked to add half a cup of boiling water to this”. Why didn’t Dr. B talk to me when she gave me her lunch? Never mind. Crazy train hadn’t whistled, how were we supposed to know it was about to derail?

Does this look like a restaurant, do you see anything else in a bowl? We’re off-site caterers, never mind, we have hot water, I’ll find a bowl. There you go Dr. B – nice ceramic bowl, half a cup boiling water, personally delivered by a keen young server smiling with a sense of accomplishment – enjoy your breakfast.

Moments later server returned with furrowed brow, exclaiming – “She snapped at me, said it wasn’t instant oats and demanded a microwave” . “We don’t have a microwave, she asked us to add hot water, where is she now” flew back in rapid succession. “Looking for a microwave and extremely upset” replied server. Barely had time to mutter “give me a break” when another co-worker announced Dr. B was in the bathroom crying hysterically. It’s too early for this shit Dr. B!

Everybody relax I’ll talk to Dr. B preceded reconnaissance of the ladies room, Dr. B’s sobs could be heard in the hallway – kill me now. I opened the door, “please don’t be locked in a stall”. Oh crap! What fresh hell is this? Note to self – caution staff to report accurate information – not in my wildest imagination could her performance be defined as shedding basic bathroom tears. Unaware of my presence, Dr. B wailed “I’m all alone, no one will help me. Why won’t anyone help me?” “Help me, someone help me” What the fuck, enough! “Excuse me” accompanied the knock on crazy train’s bathroom stall. “I’d like to help but you need to come out”. “Go away, I need to compose myself”. Gladly Dr. B, take all the time you need. I left to inform client that one of her doctors was in meltdown.

” Dr. B asked for hot water, no mention of microwave. We don’t have a microwave, would have told her so from the start. How are we supposed to know what’s in her sandwich bag? She’s crying in a bathroom stall, wailing pleas for help, threatening to go home” rolled off my lips. “She does this a couple times a year” sighed client. Really? In public? went unspoken. Professional obligation fulfilled, Dr. B was crazy train’s problem not mine.

An hour later servers cleared Dr. B’s oatmeal bowl – it was licked clean. Hang in there Dr. B! Nothing like a good cry, public display of crazy and chorus of despair tinged attention seeking outbursts to work up an appetite. Heat your lunch? No problem Dr. B.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Catch And Release


A few minutes ago youngest son presented a wad of toilet paper. “Hey Mom, does this look like a black widow?” Before I could say “pretty sure it was before you squashed it to smithereens”, youngest son apologetically explained his act of arachnid annihilation. “Sitting on the toilet when it ran towards me, squashed it before I had time to think”. Trust me it wasn’t after you, went unspoken. Youngest son knew how I felt about killing spiders.

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Spider bites are extremely rare, truth is they want nothing to do with us. Spiders exist to control insect populations. House spiders control flies, snag mosquitoes, sideline beetles and trounce moths. Garden spiders feast on aphids ,control grubs and beetles, dissuade spider mites and crop destroying grasshoppers. But for spiders, ours would be a unrecognizable world. Like it or not, spiders matter.

It’s no secret I have a thing for spiders. Truth be told, the first thing I did after youngest son dispatched bathroom widow was check on kitchen widow. The sight of kitchen window widow’s shellacked body eased regret over bathroom widow’s demise. Well behaved spiders are welcome in my house, uppity ones are caught and released.

Catch and release contradicts human nature. Instinct commands our imperative to eradicate arachnid invaders. I get it, house spiders terrify most people. That said, next time a spider surprises you on the toilet, muster the fortitude to catch and release. All it takes is a glass and sheet of paper. Spiders aren’t after us, they mean us no harm. Trust me, catch and release feels great.

 

 

Yanny or Laurel?


This post is SO STUPID. That said, watch before reading another word-

Started the vehicle to make my way home from work. CBC Radio filled the air, first thing I heard was “Laurel”. Drove off without a second thought. Radio announcer said “we’ll play it one more time. What do you hear, Yanny or Laurel?” Yanny? Are you nuts? What’s wrong with you people and why does it matter to CBC?

Apparently “Yanny or Laurel” deserves mention for trending above all other social media froth. For the next five minutes, rush hour traffic stuttered belligerently to the cadence of Yanny or Laurel uncertainty. Blah, blah, blah. Half the newsroom heard Yanny, the other Laurel. I wanted to scream “nobody cares!” Pretty sure I flipped off the nincompoop who cut in front of me. I need a vacation. Sigh.

Death By Selfie


Earlier this week Prabhu Bhatara left a wedding near Pharsaguda, India. Compelled by a full bladder he pulled off the road to relieve himself in the forest. Bhatara spots an injured bear, moves in for a moron with wounded bear selfie. Amateur video captured his mauling and death. Had Bharta stopped posting selfies long enough to watch the news, he might have known barely a week had passed since a Indian taxi driver succumbed to an eerily similar bear maul selfie death. Truth is, 60% of all selfie deaths occur in India, that’s 76 of 127 recorded global selfie deaths between March 2014 and September 2016. A statistic alarming enough to prompt government intervention. Mumbai has banned selfies in 16 high risk locations.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/man-killed-selfie-bear-india/

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Death by selfie begs the question, why India? Temptation to reason proportionate population only goes so far. During the same period only 8 Americans died by selfie. China admits to a paltry 4 selfie deaths, not one of them by bear. Ponder death by selfie the next time an injured bear finds you watering the forest. Death by selfie is far from epidemic. That said, it’s worth noting that statistically selfie death is more likely than death by shark.

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What drives selfie obsession to pepper social media with still life caricatures? Social media created a generation of me-bots. “Look at me, look what I’m eating, look where I am”. Me, me, me. Happy face, goofy face, glamour pose. Look, I’m having fun, don’t I look pretty, don’t hate me for being fabulous. Hate to break it to you me-bot, but nobody cares. If you’re so fabulous, hand your camera to someone else and let them capture how the world sees you. Trust me, death by selfie extends beyond a handful of accidental screw-ups. Don’t be a me-bot, put that selfie stick down.

 

Rod Of Iron


Spiritual leader Rev. Sean Moon presides over World Peace and Unification, a breakaway of his late father Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s Unification church. Followers are encouraged to bring assault rifles to church, AR-15s represent “rods of iron” in the book of Revelation. Parishioners pray for “a kingdom of peace police and peace militia where the citizens, through the right given to them by almighty God to keep and bear arms, will be able to protect one another and protect human flourishing.” Outside, state police draw a line between protesters and pious rod of iron Unification faithful. Alarmed Wallenpaupack Area School District officials evacuate an elementary school several blocks away. Bewildered devotees can’t imagine what the fuss is about. They stand with iron rod indifference toward a nation traumatized by 17 students gunned down by an AR-15 in Parkland, Florida. As far as they’re concerned, “an attendant checked each weapon at the door to make sure it was unloaded and secured with a zip tie, and the elaborate commitment ceremony went off without a hitch.”

Beyond women in white, men in black, AR-15 assault rifles in the hands of many, ponder bullets fashioned into gold crowns. Witness dozens of followers attending a “commitment ceremony” to exchange and renew  wedding vows. The ceremony, Cosmic True Parents of Heaven, Hearth and Humanity Cheon Il Guk Book of Life Registration Blessing, was part of a week long “Festival of Grace” .

Religious “gun-damentalism”, equal parts NRA propaganda, calculated manipulation of truth and wack-a-doodle bible study. Followers unable to legally obtain a assault rifle in time for the ceremony were urged to purchase $700 gun store gift certificates as evidence they would secure rods of iron in the near future. The church insists they do not worship or bless guns, rather “God centered families are sovereign and prepared to defend themselves with the rod of iron, which is represented in the AR-15.”

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A churchgoer at the ceremony Wednesday.

A woman holds an AR-15 rifle during a ceremony at the World Peace and Unification Sanctuary in Newfoundland, Pa., on Wednesday. The controversial church, which is led by the son of the late Rev. Sun Myung Moon, has encouraged couples to bring the weapons to a "commitment ceremony" or "Perfection Stage Book of Life Registration Blessing".

World Peace and Unification hold fast to their God given right to protect themselves from “sickos and evil psychopaths.” Oblivious to all but rod of iron ceremony. “People have the right to bear arms, and in God’s kingdom, you have to protect that”

https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2018/02/28/pennsylvania-worshippers-bring-their-ar-15s-to-church-prompting-school-to-cancel-classes.html