Bulletproof Backpack


Remember when back to school shopping was simple? New clothes, notebooks, pencil crayons, lunchbox? Nervous excitement born of what to wear the first day, not consideration of random gun violence. Fear not – bleeding heart liberals can stop whining about gun reform, bulletproof backpacks are the back to school must.

Last May, Louisiana voted overwhelmingly to amend State law banning students from wearing body armor. How progressive! Little Dick and Jane are encouraged to wear backpack armor at school and all school sanctioned events. What’s this? Poor little Jane’s parents can only afford the $100 sheet of backpack insert, hope Jane is shot in the back by a handgun because her insert won’t stop rifle bullets. What self respecting mass shooter packs a pistol? Stay strong little Jane, when bullets fly use Dick as a shield, his parents had $300 for Dick’s top of the line rifle deflecting armor.

https://www.americas1stfreedom.org/articles/2018/5/23/louisiana-legislature-approves-bulletproof-backpacks/

Ponder absurdity of this image – by what stretch of imagination does aesthetically pleasing placement of a shiny red apple make it okay to flog $300 armor for back to school?

How about this from https://www.americanrifleman.org/articles/2014/3/31/bulletsafe-bulletproof-backpack-panels/ – NRA froth extraordinaire….

“In fact kids have a higher chance of being hurt playing any sport, even golf, than from a firearm, thanks in no small part to the numerous safety campaigns of NRA such as Eddie Eagle. That doesn’t however change the ingenious of this idea. Parents purchase all manners of equipment to keep kids safe – gates, monitors, socket plugs – so why shouldn’t we consider an item that could protect them in the unlikely event of an attack”.

https://bulletblocker.com/bullet-proof-backpack-shield.html

Don’t mistake mention of Louisiana for isolated demand of bulletproof backpacks, the epidemic flourishes across America. My dismay reads like futuristic script of a 60’s science fiction novel, a cautionary tale chronicling collapse of social order leading to civil war, annihilation of a once dominant civilization.

Wake up people, nothing about bulletproof backpacks is okay, Children deserve better.

Nappy Appy


Today, Pampers introduced Lumi, a “smart diaper” scheduled for release later this year. In collaboration with Logitech and Verify (formerly Google Life Sciences, a research company owned by Google’s parent company Alphabet ) smart diapers are designed to track babies’ personal information soon after birth.

Included with purchase of Lumi are two packs of diapers, two WIFI enabled reusable detachable sensors for monitoring sleep patterns and detecting urine or stool, a wide angle HD video monitor with night vision and two way audio to track room temperature and humidity. Translation – doting parents get an alert from Lumi when diapers need changing! Has the world gone mad?

Google subsidiary and Pampers launch creepy smart diaper which tracks soiled diapers, sleep patterns, and more

Anyone remember Tamagotchi? Handheld devices popular in the 90s, virtual pets whose “health meter” required constant attention? Meters compelling children to walk, feed or play with pixelated pets to maintain digital health? See where I’m going? The Tamagotchi generation is all grown up, older not wiser and ripe for diaper apps.

It’s bad enough people worship smart home technology, Alexa do this, Alexa do that. Now we need an app telling us when diapers are soiled? What’s next, text alerts warning time to feed, hug or play with your child? Analytics calculating optimum minutes of personal interaction with family? Smarten up people!

Ponder Oscar and Baby Valeria Ramirez


Salvadorian migrant Oscar Ramirez wanted a better life for wife Tania and baby daughter Valeria. Oscar sold his motorcycle, borrowed money from family, travelled over 1,000 miles to the international bridge at Matamoros, Mexico. The bridge was closed, aid workers told them to return the next day. They woke to a line hundreds long. Gazing across the Rio Grande, Brownsville, Texas trumpeted the American dream. Their dream to seek asylum in the “greatest” nation on Earth, their dream to work hard, buy a house, raise their family without fear.

El Salvador, the deadliest place on Earth not in a war zone, boasts a murder rate of 81.2 per 100,000 citizens. For perspective – U.S. murder rate is 5.2 per 100,000, Canada – 1.8 per 100,000. Why is El Salvador so dangerous? Ponder the link below –

http://theconversation.com/why-is-el-salvador-so-dangerous-4-essential-reads-89904

Oscar Ramirez wasn’t a drug dealer, gang member or criminal, all he wanted was a safe place to work hard, buy a home, protect his family. We’ll never know what went through Oscar Ramirez’s mind as he waded into the Rio Grande clutching baby Valeria, witnesses say he made it across, sat Valeria on the riverbank and went back for his wife. Little Valeria tried to follow, was swept away and both perished when Oscar tried to save her. Images of Oscar and Valeria face down in murky water, her tiny arm wrapped around his neck went viral, Homeland Security refused comment, Trump heaped blame on Democrats.

“If we had the right laws that the Democrats are not letting us have, those people, they wouldn’t be coming up, they wouldn’t be trying” – Trump said.

“Those people”? Pardon me Mr. Trump, have you forgotten the Declaration of Independence? Thomas Jefferson? How about “all men are created equal”? Let me help you, “those people” have inalienable rights, how dare you blame Democrats for your insanity. Your daddy would be so proud, bet you learned all about “those people” on his knee. Hey Mr. President, see these dead people?

Care to comment with a shred of humanity for victims of your asinine immigration tantrum? Oscar and Valeria whose only crime was hope, optimism and the American dream?

Never mind, it’s not your fault. You’re the greatest president in history, nothing else matters. You warned us, it’s the fault of bleeding heart liberals for not paying attention. Build a wall you said, insulate America from “those people”, let them languish in poverty and fear. The migrant crisis was completely avoidable, why didn’t we listen? Left wing nincompoops ruined everything, Democrats should be apologizing to you for their lack of vision. But for uppity Democrats all of America would play golf in MAGA hats, “those people” would understand “great” nations are reserved for great people. WTF?!!!!

https://www.npr.org/2019/06/26/736177694/a-father-and-daughter-drowned-at-the-border-put-attention-on-immigration

Goop Dupe


If Karma is a bitch, she has one heck of a slap waiting for Gwyneth Paltrow. Next in line are the Fembots marching catatonically to her pop-up goop circus (June 7 – September 22, 2019 ) at the Hazelton Hotel in downtown Toronto. Who am I kidding, goopsters can’t march, they have jade eggs clenched in their vaginas to regulate menstrual cycles and harness the power of energy, stickers made of the same carbon NASA uses in spacesuits, plastered on their bodies to promote healing. (Never mind that NASA doesn’t use carbon in spacesuits, and that’s the least offensive contradiction ).

Health Canada inspectors wary of Paltrow’s goop dupe were no match for the queen of lifestyle sorcery. Despite their unannounced inspection, two sunscreen products not approved for sale in Canada were all they could deny drooling wellness devotees. Fear not goopbots, unapproved goop is available online and there’s nothing Health Canada can do to stop it.

Gwyneth is a quack who believes a bee sting heals scars. Her lifestyle brand is snake oil. Muster some self respect people! Goop is a dupe!

 

Taylor Swift Me


Taylor Swift has a secret power, the ability to fill a dance floor with wedding guests. Obscure as it may be, that’s no small feat. Her 2014 hit “Shake It Off” joins Billie Jean by Michael Jackson, Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars and Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline in the wedding DJ hall of fame. Don’t argue with me, I speak from experience – it’s a fact.

Today Taylor Swift released her song “Me”, I doubt she realizes how it will impact the wedding world. Mark my words – within a few weeks “Me” will serenade newlyweds on their entrance to ballroom head tables, solidify itself as first dance tune of choice, fill dance floors and elicit boisterous drunken sing-a-longs.

Kudos Taylor, weddings thank you for injecting fresh air into the DJ hall of fame.

Biblical Anti-Vaxxer Jibber-Jabber


Meet anti-vaxxer extraordinaire Brittney Kara. According to her Amazon bio, Brittney is a master NLP practitioner (Neuro Linguistic Programming) hypnotherapist, nutrition coach, author and mother.  https://www.amazon.com/Brittney-Kara/e/B00EJS3FEM

Anti-vaxxer jibber-jabber has Brittney to thank for a naturopathic epiphany of Biblical proportion – Vaccines are bad because God never mentioned them in the Bible. Seems Brittney decided to Google vaccines in the Bible, when no reference was found she went public. Watch a short video from https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNxt-Npm5rNEJ4ySRsilF1A

 

Phonebots


Phonebots clog city streets. Tenacious, impenetrable and defiant, they march catatonic to the glow of their hand held device. They invade crosswalks with self absorbed surety of army ants, oblivious to crossing signals, traffic flow or common decency.

Wanting to scream “what’s wrong with you!” never goes well when driving a company vehicle. Self centred numskulls always take offence. Sometimes they snap a photo of our company logo/phone number, calling to express outrage over the employee who almost ran them down. Propriety dictates polite restraint. I take a deep breath, waiting patiently for phonebots to cross the street. Every so often my inner prankster honks the horn, if I’m lucky a phonebot jumps and scurries. One time a phonebot dropped their device, I laughed out loud.

Do phonebots know how infuriating they are? Believe it their right to cross intersections with flashing “Don’t Walk” signals? Create gridlock by stepping off the curb seconds before a light changes preventing vehicles from making turns, then dawdle along with kaleidoscope eyes fixated on their cell phone? Do the self absorbed little darlings care? Absolutely not! So I sit, and I wait, and every so often I shake them up with a strategically dispatched blast of the horn. It’s hysterical, phonebots hate it when you interrupt social media dribble in the middle of an intersection at rush hour.