“Ponderable” Offence

A few months ago we catered a surprise birthday party. Birthday girl was clueless – all arranged by her fiance. Fiance ordered heavily to the meat side – pulled pork sliders, chicken satay, lamb skewers, blue cheese stuffed figs wrapped in bacon, smoked salmon – aside from a few spreads and dips, a meat-lovers delight.

Following a much anticipated “surprise”, one of my servers offered a platter of tempting appies to the guest of honor. Her reaction floored every last one of us – ” I DO NOT eat anything that has EVER been alive ” she snarled. It seems fiance neglected to tell us she was Vegan. Her outburst; packed with venomous rage, smacked for its rude fury – a delivery fitting a fairy tale evil queen rather than a birthday girl. Uncomfortable silence evaporated almost immediately – I suppose her friends and family had seen her in action.

A brief “chat” with husband to be, followed my “holy crap” moment. He apologized for his “over sight”, confirming my fear that she was indeed Vegan and had a bit of a temper. I barely hear as he tells me “find her anything Vegan, she hardly eats”, all the while stuffing pulled pork in his mouth.

Rendered senseless – not for pork juice on inconsiderate husband to be, not for daggers hurled across the room from bride to be eyes, not for shaken server or the fact we didn’t have a Vegan option to save our lives. I was knocked on my ass by her leather boots. Vegan she devil was rocking leather boots!

Rudeness aside, I would have cut her some slack if she were vegetarian  I might even have felt sorry for a vegetarian girl whose thoughtless carnivore fiance throws her a surprise party featuring meat. I draw the line at outrageous hypocrisy.  Birthday girl’s lifestyle choice dictates an animal free diet; not so much as a nibble of cheese, buttered toast or milk on her Corn Flakes. Throwing a righteous vegan hissy, wrapped in animal hide, gives bat shit crazy a whole new meaning.

Have some self respect vegan princess; if you can’t help making a spectacle of yourself, at least lose the leather boots before blowing a gasket. Lots of vegans wear leather – who cares – I give them points for trying. In your case birthday girl – it pissed me off.

Just One of Those Days

We all have them; one of those days when everything goes sideways. Maybe I’m just tired – without question work was a comedy of errors today. Facing the prospect of pulling off a wedding tomorrow doesn’t help much. Who gets married on Mother’s Day? Working on mother’s day is irrelevant, in my line of work I’m rarely home on holidays, I’m the one out there making everyone else’s splendid memories. This isn’t a complaint, rather a sticky note to myself.

When I find myself driving my hand into the car horn while screaming “what is wrong with you”, it’s time to chill out. To be clear and get it off my chest – what kind of inconsiderate jerk aggressively blocks you from changing lanes; then when he gains the car length in front of you puts on his signal light to change into the lane you are trying to leave? Holy crap. It’s rush hour and I spend another 5 minutes behind this asshole. And no – he didn’t signal until I was firmly planted behind his crazy ass mini van.

I wasn’t a very nice person today. I caught myself giving the snake eye to thoughtless, manner-less people, so absorbed in their sense of entitlement it didn’t cross their minds that taking a plate with six chicken breasts meant some guests wouldn’t have lunch. I believe my lip may actually have curled into a snarl as I watched them toss their greed into the garbage bin. Under normal circumstances I would shake my head (discretely and with up most decorum) as well healed ladies stuffed cheese platters into their $2000.00 dollar handbags. My staff would have laughed along; we’re a twisted bunch who understand money can’t deliver any quality you’re not born with. We trade astounding stories of flagrant stupidity and crass behaviour – but not today.

Today was one of those days when you ask yourself if you need your head examined. A day when screaming what is wrong with you could just as easily apply to yourself. A day when being accommodating and gracious flies out the window. A day when listening to Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies seems to be the only thing able to soothe my ragged nerves.

Give it a listen.


Last Minute Gift Suggestion


The other day I was in a coffee shop; a Christmas episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos was airing on the flat screen. Clip after clip of children opening gifts they didn’t like. The audience laughed as ungrateful children threw fits over gifts they abhorred. Books, sweaters, toys; flung with contempt – the family with the most petulant child stood to gain $10,000 for parenting these little treasures. I had no interest in hanging around to find out which child was rewarded. A toss up between the boy who hit his mother in the face when his package contained clothing, and a girl who pulled down the Christmas tree when Santa brought the wrong doll. It wasn’t funny.

Rather than ponder what’s wrong with society; I have a suggestion. Give your child a goat; specifically give a goat in your child’s name. It could also be chickens, sheep or cows. The point is not the farm animal but the gift.  Lets teach our children to view the world with caring eyes. They don’t want to pull down Christmas trees.

Garden Harvest is one of many organizations that works to provide reliable food sources for third world families. If you want something more tangible; take your child shopping for a gift to donate to your local Christmas Bureau. I’m not suggesting you deny your little face slapper a gift. Merely suggesting you take this time of year as an opportunity to ponder ways to give back.

temper tantrumrafa 2010, Flickr