Polite Spiders Would Stay Out Of My Bed


Forget calendars, spiders are first to recognize spring’s breeze. Before bulbs break ground or buds blister naked branches – spiders abandon winter crevices with purposeful determination. First, the house spiders – dedicated arachnids who didn’t leave at first frost, spiders sensible enough to hunker down for dibs on spring real estate. Neighborly perfection, well mannered widows unaware of their mesmerizing bellies, spiders intent on maintaining the sanctity of property lines. Unobtrusive guests so mindful of personal space, I’m left to smile fondly at the promise of spring.

A few weeks later the mercenaries arrive. Defined by guile and opportunity, legions of irreverent lunkheads infiltrate the sanctity of my home. Unruly spiders determined to bully spring with paraded exhibitionism. Unsophisticated numskulls without dignity or common sense. Wave after wave exhaust abundant spiderly tolerance. “Shoo, shoo – get off my computer”, “that’s quite enough, why are you in my drawer?”. Diligent capture and release does little to squelch the rogue spiders of spring.

Ever the optimist I made excuses for their folly, cutting slack after springtime slack. Barely a whisper of exasperation accompanied robotic rituals of catch and release. Yesterday brought tolerance to its knees – spring spiders set foot in my bed. Stupid spiders, you blew your welcome – a polite spider would stay out of my bed. Gloves off, try again next spring.